If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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