3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
