the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
