I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
this boner is exhausting
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
