Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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