When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
