I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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