Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
