Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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