I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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