I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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