Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
