To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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