Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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