whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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