girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
