Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
