I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
