I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
