How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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