I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
