maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
