Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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