dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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