How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
