awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
