Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
