Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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