Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
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There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
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At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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