please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
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I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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