im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
