I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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