i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
