If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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