I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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