I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
