Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
