I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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