nut hugger
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
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