got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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