you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Barsexuality is the new black.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
