tell your sister to shave her snatch
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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