Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.