he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.