I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
