Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex