I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
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You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
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Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".