your parents love me but you hate me
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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