I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
