I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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