how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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