I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
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Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
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im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.