But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
23 People Reveal The Worst Culture Shock They’ve Ever Experienced While Traveling
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
27 People Confess Their Proudest Fap
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out