WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
New Dating App in Dallas For Only The Most Ambitious and Attractive Singles
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I am available for nakedness
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.