carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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