Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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