Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
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