I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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